Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
