i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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