Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
