I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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