I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Randomize
