I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
