Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I want to fling myself into the sun
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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