im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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