I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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