they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
