At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
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I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
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I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My dad just said "fuck circus"
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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