3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i just had sex bonerless
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
