There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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