What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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