Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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