So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
