I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
As shirtless as possible
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize
