Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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