What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
