Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
