I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
