gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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