Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
