just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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