It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
