Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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