I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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