Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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