I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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