Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
3 2 1 whiskey
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
