I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
