He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
