i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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