Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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