between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
