Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
