your parents love me but you hate me
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
