I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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