Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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