I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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