Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
why do cheetos always look like penises
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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