I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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