I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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