i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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