when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
