So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
