his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Randomize
