I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
