The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
