I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
