this beer tastes like vomit already
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
