Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We got so high we made milksteak
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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