she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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