perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Randomize
