an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
