Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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