and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
