For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
