I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
