New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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