just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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